Today is my birthday. It’s a day I have been dreading for the last four weeks. The first time I felt anything near anxiety at my birthday was when I turned 30. I am approaching another milestone in 365 days so I was not surprised when the dread set in. Ugh! If you haven’t guessed it, I’m 39 years old today. I will be forty next year.  Womp womp!

Don’t get me wrong. I have an okay life. I cannot bring myself to call it good. Sure there is now a deep vertical line perpetually on my brow that won’t go away (smile more Kemi, smile) and I know that I generally look good for my age #insertmelaninjokehere. I have a husband who loves me and starting to make good friends who turned out today with presents and a determination to cheer me up.  I have good health, live in a friendly community and have wonderful family. But the problem with getting older is that you start to check your life against that list you made in your twenties about all the stuff you want to achieve, say, when you’re forty. I’m not even close and that depresses me. I think I had one item ticked. WTF!

It’s like I had a vision of my life and then made choices that ensured the opposite would happen. I love the Arts and social sciences. So I ended up in IT. I love dogs and I always wanted one. I got two cats instead. It’s bordering on the ridiculous. It’s like I’m not even me! Oh I’m so mad at myself. 

Please don’t tell me it could be worse (it could be sure). Please don’t remind me how blessed I am and how I have the rest of my life to make changes. Please don’t tell me 40 is the new 20 any ways so technically I’m not even 30 yet. This does not help. Please let me just eat cake tonight, wallow in my self pity and talk to my cats. I’m sure I’ll get over it by tomorrow. It will all have been a dream. 
Ps. I did have a good day. Friends always have a way of getting you out of your funk and make you happy. We chatted for hours and I laughed so hard. If any of you are reading, I thank God for you all. Today would have sucked without you.